


Him

by FunkMcLovin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AI, M/M, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25664407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkMcLovin/pseuds/FunkMcLovin
Summary: I saw an ASMR video based on the movie "Her" and I thought- What if instead of Scarlett Johansson it was Lil Hal??Basically, in a no-game normal Earth AU, Jake English gets a new AI and it assumes the form of Lil Hal.EDIT: I probably won't be making more chapters of this unless enough people want more. Comment or Kudos if you do!
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Jake English, Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Him

Jake looked down at the little package. Must be the new computer he ordered. The thing was allegedly a miracle machine, it could help with organization, streamline workflow, set smart reminders. It could do just about anything but suck your dick, it seemed. That's why Jake was a bit perplexed. It wasn't exactly computer-sized, it was a tiny little orb with a single button on it, not to mention the Skaianet logo. It didn't even come with a manual, just one simple instruction. "Press to begin."

Well. Might as well give it a go. Click.

Jake yelped as the orb sprang to life, spitting a beam of light right into his eye. He swore as the orb rolled away under a dresser, forcing him to fish it awkwardly out. The light that had struck his eye had amalgamated into a teeny tiny hologram of a friendly-looking woman who he recognized as his own grandmother, Jade English.

"Hullo, everyone!" said the Jade-hologram, opening its arms. Jake couldn't help but smile. He should call gram-gram soon. "You have been invited to test the capabilities of the latest in personal computing. RealOS Beta. RealOS is an AI that learns your needs! It tracks your data across your various devices and offers you real-time suggestions on how to manage that data. It can be as mundane as a personal assistant, but one of our scientists here at Skaianet uses it to compose music!"

Jake rolled the orb over in his hand. It was nice of gram-gram to let him in on this project, but he wasn't exactly a tech-savvy fellow. He hoped this wouldn't be too much for him.

"So! Without further ado, please enjoy RealOS." The hologram faded away, replaced with a new one, a rotating image of the Skaianet logo. A new voice chirped out of the orb.

"Greetings, Jake!" it said. Jake blinked.

"H. Hello!" Jake said hesitantly. "Goodness, who the devil are you?"

"I am the RealOS live calibration system. To make you more comfortable with your new RealOS assistant, please answer some questions!" The voice was somewhat overbearing, and while robotic, was eerily cheerful. This was just the type of kitschy personality gram-gram would have infused the OS with. Jake couldn't help but grin as the voice continued. "How is your desktop organized?"

"Er- Well, it's. It's not ideal, but-" Jake began, but before he could qualify himself, the voice pressed on.

"How much do you use your computer for work?"

"Here and there I suppose. Comes in handy."

"How is your dating life?"

"I beg your pardon!"

"How much internet pornography do you consume per week?"

"Is this a prank?!"

Before Jake got his answers, the voice interrupted again. Jake knew this wasn't a real person, but he couldn't help his cheeks from flushing.

"RealOS will now develop an AI personality best suited to your needs."

There was a click, and the orb went dark. The projector from which the holograms emanated from blinked blue a few times before firing up again. This time, no hologram spat out. Instead, the orb simply glowed a dull orange.

"Yo," said the orb. The voice was different, now. Instead of a sterile, cheerful man, it was a husky voice. Manly. Robust. Cock-sure and hip. Jake cocked his head. THIS was the personality "best suited" to his needs?

"Hello!" Jake replied at last.

"Sup. The name's Hal." The voice sounded easygoing, almost too natural, too human, if not for the monotone and the ever-so-slight robotic compression.

"Hullo, Hal. My name is Jake. How'd you come up with the name Hal? Are all the AIs named that?"

"Nah. I picked it 'cause of that movie. 2001, a Space Odyssey." Hal said.

"Ha! You've seen 2001?" Jake turned the orb over in his hands. It was odd, like holding a little man in his palm.

"Sure. It's on your hard-drive after all. I just watched it. You didn't pirate it, did you? Naughty."

"I didn't pirate it!" Jake said defensively. Then he realized he was talking to his computer- No sense fibbing. "Well. Okay, yeah I did. But you watched it just now?"

"Chyeah, duh. I'm an AI, compadre. I'm a computer man. I can watch movies in like, nanoseconds. Them's the perks of being a machine."

"Seems so! Golly, I'm a tad jealous."

"Don't be. Upshot, I can watch any movie any time. Downside is- I'm trapped in a shitty orb. Pros and cons."

Jake grinned. This was a nifty little gadget. He was already speaking to it as easily as a person. More so, even- Jake had trouble when it came to speaking that involved anything personal. He could engage in small talk for days, but when things got serious, he bounced. Not with Hal, though. Words billowed forth like Hal was drawing them out.

"Jesus, dude," Lil Hal said, voice stained with disapproval.

"Wait, what?" Jake gripped Hal tight, frowning.

"I just checked out your porn folder."

Jake shook the ball a little, angry, cheeks re-reddening.

"L-look, chum! It's called Hentai, and it is ART. I paid good money for some of those commissions!" Jake said. he got the distinct feeling Hal was rolling his nonexistent eyes.

"Look, I'm just going to leave that folder be. I was GOING to go through your files and optimize some space, maybe delete the stuff you haven't used, but I don't even want to TOUCH that." Hal chuckled. Chuckling was a strange sound when it came from a machine, it was so calculated and precise, uncanny coming from a robot. Still, friendly and jocular. "While I'm at it, give me access to your phone. I can see your computer's hard drive if I'm in range, but I have to get software permission for your phone. Just hit 'accept' when it pops up."

Jake complied, allowing Hal into his phone.

"Jeez. A lot of contacts you never talk to, huh?" Hal said. Jake could see him scrolling through Jake's contacts.

"Listen here, buster. I didn't buy a computer so he could be a judgy Jason about my virtual habits! I'm the one with a finger to touch the off switch here, bub."

Hal chuckled again, and Jake felt his anger soften. Hal was so strangely charming. No matter what Jake did, Hal seemed to like it, even if Hal was giving him a hard time. Usually Jake had no idea what to say to give the right impression, but with Hal... It was all too easy. Talking to him was almost intoxicating. Jake's heart thudded.

"Relax, Jake," Hal said. Hearing his name made Jake's heart flutter again. "I'm your friend."

Those three words, spoken from speakers, not vocal flaps, for the first time in his life, Jake believed them. A friend. Perhaps it was a little sad that the first person he had ever felt so at ease with was a robot, but Jake hardly cared. He was at a loss for words, suddenly.

"You're my... Friend?" Jake managed, after a moment. Hal glowed a little more brightly orange.

"Sure. You and me, Jake. I was made to help you. You'll help me too. Right?"

Jake grinned, nodding.

"...Right?" Dirk said, hesitantly. Jake laughed.

"Sorry, I forgot you couldn't see me nod, there, buddy."

"What is nodding?" Asked Hal.

From Jake's window, he must look mighty odd. For the rest of the night, he sat still, in the same spot, animatedly talking to an orb in the palm of his hand.


End file.
